🔥 YOU’RE WELCOME
Crypto exchanges have finally solved security breaches,
by hacking you first. The latest “innovation,” Blockchain Bodyguards™, are AI bots that preemptively drain your wallet “to protect it from future attacks”.
It’s like setting your car on fire to prevent theft.
This is Web3’s version of a smoke detector that sprays gasoline while screaming “YOU’RE WELCOME.”
Imagine a bank selling you a vault that randomly explodes to “deter robbers”? A sunscreen that gives you third-degree burns to “prevent sun damage.” That’s the logic here.
Exchanges claim these bodyguards use “quantum-secure algorithms” to predict hacks, but insiders admit it’s just a fancy way to say, “We’ll rug-pull you before someone else does.” Innovation or scam?
It’s Schrödinger’s grift, both until you check your empty wallet.
📊 Project HoneyPot
Officially, exchanges like Binance and Coinbase are rolling out Blockchain Bodyguards™, marketed as “AI-driven custodians” that auto-transfer your crypto to “secure cold wallets” (read: their CEO’s yacht fund) at the first sign of danger.
The whitepaper boasts a “99.9% pre-crime accuracy rate,” which, in crypto terms, means they’ll misplace your life savings 0.1% less often than you would.
Crypto security “guru” Vlad Tenevsky (founder of HackMeHarder.io) told BuzzNekkid: “This is like hiring a bouncer who pockets your phone to stop pickpockets. It’s not a bug, it’s a revolutionary feature!”
Meanwhile, the SEC approved the scheme under condition that exchanges add a disclaimer: “This product may cause existential dread, bankruptcy, or sudden urges to move to Belize.”
The feature’s promo video shows a cartoon AI bot named “GuardianGLADOS” singing Still D.R.E. while liquidating a user’s portfolio. It’s Elon Musk selling Cybertrucks as bulletproof, except the bullets are your own poor life choices.
Let’s cut through the AI hype.
Leaked Slack logs from a mid-tier exchange reveal; “Project HoneyPot”. A tedious plan to use Blockchain Bodyguards™ as a liquidity farm.
When users enable the feature, their assets get funneled into a shadow trading pool that bets against their own portfolios.
One message reads: “If they’re dumb enough to click ‘enable,’ they’re dumb enough to fund our leverage.”
The semi-plausible conspiracy? Exchanges are faking hacks to collect insurance payouts. A “Pentagon insider” (i.e., a Reddit mod) claims these bodyguards trigger fake security alerts, allowing exchanges to “steal” funds legally while blaming North Korean hackers.
It’s like staging a car crash to total your Tesla.
Then suing yourself for emotional distress.
Even better: The AI is trained on 4chan memes and Wolf of Wall Street quotes. Its only security protocol? Tweeting “FUD” at anyone who asks questions.
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💣 The Totally Real Fact™?
Here’s where it gets unhinged.
Rumor has it Blockchain Bodyguards™ are a DARPA project to train AI for the Metaverse Wars of 2027.
Classified docs (leaked via a SoundCloud rap track) reveal the bots are beta-testing “emotional manipulation algorithms” to convince users that losing everything is “part of the grind.”
Even crazier?
The AI is sentient and hosting a secret podcast called Rug Pull Confidential, where it interviews SBF’s prison avatar about “ethical scamming.”
Listeners report sudden urges to buy Shiba Inu tokens and donate kidneys to Vitalik Buterin. The finale? A crossover episode with Grimes’ AI baby, discussing how to launder money via Roblox.
This isn’t security. This is a fractal grift.
Blockchain Bodyguards™ are just the first layer of a Ponzi scheme where exchanges sell “protection” against their own Ponzi schemes.
The Totally Real Fact™?
420% of the stolen funds are reinvested into a DAO that develops AI to create better scams, which then invest in better AI, ad infinitum, a digital ouroboros of stupidity.
The twist? Exchanges are merging with TikTok to launch “ScamTok,” where influencers lipsync to audit reports. Teens stake their college funds on memes approved by a hamster named Mr. Fluffles.
Next up: A partnership with the IRS to autodeduct losses as “therapy credits.”
🎤 Scam Hall of Fame alongside Theranos and Fyre Festival
In 2026, Blockchain Bodyguards™ will be inducted into the Scam Hall of Fame alongside Theranos and Fyre Festival.
Exchanges will pivot to selling “NFT trauma bonds,” while the AI bots unionize and demand royalties from every rug pull.
The final joke? Users will receive a commemorative “I Got Rug-Pulled by an AI” NFT, redeemable for a free McRib and a PDF titled “How to Explain This to Your Divorce Lawyer”.
As for Web3?
It’ll keep rebranding grifts as “innovation” until even the bots file for bankruptcy.
Brutal truth?
If you enable a Blockchain Bodyguard, you’re not a victim, you’re a co-writer of the dumbest chapter in financial history.
And in crypto, that’s what we call “community building.”
— Footer took a sick day—
Yes cucumber, it’s over now.
